Emotional Rollercoasters...And why I refuse to ride them pt.1

So one day I opened up my gmail and realized I had what looked to be a very long email...a very very long email from a woman that I had high hopes for. I'm confused here....


"this is something i wrote a while ago... i decided not to send it because i didn't think it would matter. and, according to you, i think too much, so maybe my thought was wrong. either way, after our chat today, i am compelled to share it with you. don't feel obligated to respond... its cool either way." (name will remain anonymous)
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it should be very obvious to you by now that there is something luminous about your personality that has attracted me. this attraction was not necessarily instant, but after our third (i believe) conversation, i became intrigued by your complex, unpredictable personality. i enjoyed your humor, your seriousness, and your presence in a way that made me more afraid than i have been in a while. as i already told you, i could see so many similarities in our personalities that i began to doubt that anything positive would come from our interaction. i immediately predicted that in our first disagreement, we would both be equally too stubborn to admit our faults. i sensed your determination to have the last word and your confidence that you could win any battle of sarcasm. and as much as i was excited to have met my match, i was in unfamiliar territory.

while i have always loved a challenge, you were and still are a challenge that defeated me before it even began. unfortunately, i think i accepted this defeat without putting up a fight. when i went home for christmas, i purposely created a distance between us to protect myself from actually acknowledging any emotional connection that would potentially end in hurt. i thought that you would eventually just fade away, like all the others that I purposely push out of my life. but strangely, you have not completely faded as i had planned. it may have been your intention to slowly (or not so slowly) exit my life, but i cannot be so sure. all i know is that we have very minimal communication and when i see you, we barely converse, let alone touch. to be honest, this did not bother me before, as i understand one's tendency to shift inward at times. i have been known to do that on many occasions. but when this became a pattern i began to wonder what our problem was. how could we go from laughing and hugging all the time to absolutely nothing? it seemed as if things changed between us so quickly and the friendship that was growing began to whither away with the winter snow.

maybe i did not do enough to repair any damage that may have been my responsibility. or maybe my self-centered tendencies simply revealed themselves to you. however, i began to sense your distance which led me to believe that you just weren't feeling me. now, as much as i hate rejection, this kind of hurt my ego a bit, but that's life. you win some. you lose some. you keep it moving. i still find you extremely intriguing, even more complex than before, and i miss laughing with you. however, i understand that our time may have run its course... or that time may have never been on our side. i do think that you deserve all of the qualities that you seek in a woman (and a friend), but you must understand that the woman you find will bring with her a set of complexities to work through with you, not on her own. sometimes, us women, in protecting ourselves from the disappointing behaviors that men have proven to consistently perpetuate, make judgement calls that may not always be warranted.

to be clear, this email does not disregard any times that you have fallen below my standard of respect or just flat out hurt my feelings. it is simply me expressing my thoughts to you, which is something i should have done a while ago

(PLEASE CONTINUE ON TO PT. 2)